...must come to an end

I like surprises.

For an English assignment in high school the teacher asked the class I was in was to write an essay about our greatest fears. I still remember the expression on my teachers face as she handed mine back to me. The one comment she made on it was that I had been very honest. I only recall a little of what I wrote in that essay, but I do remember the gist of it - rather than focus on every possible phobia I'd opted to write about one particular anxiety that was gnawing at the back of my mind even then. Once I would have summed it up as boredom, but today I would say that rather I fear being... jaded - regardless of what I call it, in the end what I fear now is little different from what I feared then.

By jaded what I mean to say is that I don't want to turn in to one of those people who have lost the ability to take any joy from living in the world. To my mind it's a horrible thing to accuse anyone of (being joyless), but I know such people exist. I've met them - people who have seen it all before and done it all before and wonder if it was even worth it the first time around. People who gaze past wonders and miracles seeing nothing but the dreary monotony of their lives.

Still, I don't believe they start out that way. I don't believe anyone can start out that way. Children have such immense capacity for happiness after all (I realise also that children have immense capacity for a great many traits both good and bad, but please forgive me if I don my rose-tinted spectacles for the moment). However, with the passing of time their(/our?) ability to experience pleasure and happiness in the world is gradually, imperceptibly chiseled away. I don't want be a person who sees more misery in life than mirth. But I know I've done the same things I accuse the joyless of. That whilst I'd like to believe there's a vast gulf of difference between them and me, it's probably only a small crevice - just a step or two from here to there.

And that's why I like surprises. Surprises remind me that I haven't seen it all or done it all. That the world is still full of wonder and beauty and things I've yet to experience - things that are worth experiencing. And that I can still take joy from them. It shouldn't be an easy thing to forget, but sometimes the things you most need to remember and the hardest to cling to. This weekend past was filled with small surprises and pleasures and things to remind me that I'm really a better person than I sometimes imagine myself to be (another lesson I sometimes struggle with). I felt immensely happy and satisfied at the end of it.

From this viewpoint, from my viewpoint even the bad surprises have some merit. Which may be one of the saving graces of today.

I made a few flippant comments to friends recently about the company I work for and the state it is in. Over the last couple of years there's been a fair degree of tumult including several rounds of redundancies which has witnessed the development team I'm part of shrink from approximately 30 down to 8. Things have lately stabilised somewhat and a few announcements recently actually brought some good news for a change, including sources of much needed monies. For my part I bemoaned this upturn in our fortunes, if only in jest, commenting that I had been secretly hoping for another round of redundancies so I could cash in and head home at last. It was a cynical thing to say then and I regret it a little, although I can't deny that there was some truth in it and in my defence I work in increasingly cynical environs. Still I wouldn't wish the company any ill, especially since it would negatively affect my colleagues, several of them quite badly.

Unfortunately there's many a true word spoken in jest indeed. Today the fourth round of redundancies was announced. It was pretty much a bolt from the blue, since as I alluded above, the news that had been filtering down from on high had generally been rather positive. Alas it seems they were just doing their best to shield us from what was going on. The development team has been hit particularly hard. Whereas roughly 25% of staff total are being laid off, the development team is being halved. I find out tomorrow which half I'm in, although I'm as cautiously optimistic as ever (I'm also the longest serving developer which may or may not count for something). It's all a little sad really, since losing so many developers really does seem to indicate that the company is all but doomed. After all, we're an internet company. Development should be it's lifeblood, not the afterthought it seems to be treated as.

Oh well, there's always the Christmas party next week. I'm sure that will help cheer everyone up tremendously :)

I'll give a further update tomorrow. Stay tuned.